Don't live.

"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."

Dear diary, today I feel like dying. Every day I feel like dying but today I would have actually done it if a gun were around. Today I contemplated leaving my kids in this world alone, in this hotel room alone, leaving a voicemail for my family to come get them and my lifeless body. Today I feel weak and stupid and worthless and unlovable. I don't have anyone to talk to, any shoulders to cry on, no arms wrapped around me in a hug. Today like any other day I'm alone. I'm alone with my thoughts and they are ruthless. I'm not cut out for life. All my peers are smiles and rainbows. I am dark and twisted. I am scary and damaged. I am unlovable. I've been toying with the idea that maybe if I weigh less, if I starve myself to near death, I might be lovable. Or maybe if I sew my mouth shut, someone might appreciate my company. But the truth is very clear. I am dirty. I am evil and black and burned, inside and out. I am loud and angry. I am ugly and fat. I am scum on this earth. I will never be like any of you. I don't deserve anything good. I am not fishing for compliments or words of encouragement. I've known since I was young that my life was a mistake. I've tried so hard to go away. I've tried so hard to be happy and normal. I was supposed to die a long time ago. But I had kids and I was broken into a million pieces and I don't belong here. My skin is too tight and my insides are painful. I am bloody and straining to explode out of this. My skin is on fire. My pain is too painful. I can't do this. Don't make me do this. My everything hurts.